"The antidote to exhaustion is whole-heartedness"

This morning a friend who knows me pretty well suggested I could do with a bit more ego. Mmmmm... that set me back on my heels a bit. You see, I have been believing quite happily that ego is the cause of most of our problems. I believe that without ego there would be no need for war. I was clinging to the belief that it is better to find the essence of the person, and strip away the ego. I was attributing all ills to ego.

This could be a long post. Go get yourself a cuppa now, that's what I am going to do.

OK, here we go. One bucket of Earl Grey tea (real tea leaves, purchased in Scotland, none of that tea bag rubbish, eh Mike?) and a quick, energetic tinkle on the piano to clear my thoughts on the way back to the computer. This post changes in direction rather a lot… it's not exactly well crafted. And comes bearing only tentative links to the title. Never mind! Producing well crafted writing was about my ego…

Ego... do we need it?

Yesterday's post was less optimistic perhaps. And maybe, just maybe - ok, probably - all that stuff about having so much work to do was about ego. Thinking I needed to justify my butterfly life. Thinking I had to be a human doing, again. But no, I came here to be a human being. Yesterday I was setting myself goals, things to achieve. I had got a bit down, having no goals, no dreams any more, while others seemed to know exactly what they were doing, where they were heading. But surely that is the point. The "goal", for want of a better word, is to "be". The dream, for me, is world peace.

The goal is to be. And in that state of being, things change around you. It is a little like throwing a pebble into a pond. The under-valued ripple effect. If I am being myself, and therefore am happy, then that is contagious. How often do we read or think, consciously or unconsciously "I don't know what that person has, but whatever it is, I want some of it". How simple is it to give a smile, and get one in return? And how wonderful that gift, if someone needs that smile you have freely given, or so gratefully received?

I am not talking about diluting everything so there is no life, no energy, no interest. I am not suggesting we just exist, do no work. Far from it. I am suggesting that we need to listen to our intuition, to read and experience our emotions, to learn what sits well with us and can healthily be continued, and what we must put aside because it drains and depletes us.

A poet wrote "Sometimes the truth depends upon a walk around a lake". When we are on the rollercoaster of our busy lives, it is difficult to see, to feel, to know the truth, to be. The cognitive mind, the ego, the "oughts and shoulds" take over. And in that race, that busy, busy life, we become exhausted. We lose ourselves, we are empty. Perhaps the more we feel empty inside, the busier we need to be. And soon we are exhausted, with nothing left to give, and not knowing how to receive. We need to stop, bend down and pick some daisies. Take that walk around the lake. Not be afraid to search in the darkness for what is real.

"To be free from self necessities" (David Whyte CD, Midlife and the Great Unknown)... is that what I mean when I talk about stripping away the ego? If I need to explain who I am, what I do, make myself sound important to myself and others, then is that not also exposing my own lack of confidence, lack of self-belief, lack of self-knowledge. But in those actions, I am building the ego. Do I need to build myself a life that moves too fast, that lacks compassion because I have no time? Do I need to bury myself in the things on the periphery that exhaust me?

Yesterday, on my walk with Zacchi, I found myself once again wishing I didn't own a car. I drove home with the gas bottle, then walked the two kilometres back to the post office I had just driven past. It was a choice, and it felt good. The car added to the stresses of my life. Yes, freedom to go and photograph, to find, to explore, to meet friends at the station.. But also it gave me the ability to do the things that were not “real” for me, and with it came the expectation that of course I would do those things, like drive, to work I didn’t even want, in another town. I was very conscious that the car was taking me back into a lifestyle I had walked away from. Taking me back to empty ego? I needed to find “me” again.

I am going to stop writing now. I need to think a little more, to listen again to the CD I mentioned above, and start removing things from my list of things to do. Oh, and paint some more. A lot more. And sit in the winter sun waiting for the spring flowers to appear, and know it is right to do so.

But here is something to think about while I am gone. It is a wonderful poem by Derek Walcott. I think it is about self, but I don’t think it is about ego. Also, I need to tell you, the title of this post came from a Benedictine monk, in conversation with David Whyte at his moment of exhaustion and revelation. I wish I had said it myself.

Love after love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome
And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
All your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott