Expectation versus hope

I have been thinking some more about those lights.

I can't wait for the end of May, all of June, and into July until it gets too hot. Then we have fireflies. The most singularly magical thing I have seen. Glow worms are wonderful too, but they "go out" when you are near, when there is noise. They are shy little things. Fireflies light my way in the evenings, they dance and play with me.

Lights to me mean hope and security. Hope that there is someone home, or someone coming. Hope that I can see well in the darkness, or reach safety. Hope that I am not alone. And when none of those things are important, just hope.

Then my addled brain moves from hope to expectation. I had hoped to have learned more Italian by now. But I had so many excuses. I wrote in English, I taught English, I emailed in English... but if I am honest, my expectation was that I would make slow progress, because I did not study enough. And I am disappointed, disappointed in myself. I haven't failed, because I had no great expectations. But I have not achieved what I had hoped I might.

Hope, unrealistic hope, can bring disappointment. But unrealistic expectation brings failure. But if we don't try, we can't fail. Surely it is better to try, and risk failure, than not try at all? And if expectations are realistic, then success is likely.

Since I joined the online learning community and foolishly(?) put in my photo because it asked for one, I have been flooded with requests to become friends with people. Most of them are men from the Middle East. And most of them do want to learn to speak better English. But that is not a lot of help with my Italian.

So, to set realistic expectations, I have decided the following:

I will teach English to two people, my good deeds for the day. One is from Turkey. I haven't decided who the other will be.
I will say no to every request from others, and yes to Italians wanting to share learning.
I will expect a "fair trade" of English for Italian.
I will chat in Italian every day.

And my expectation is that I will learn much faster. No more Scrabulous in English (can I really do that?)... just crosswords in Italian.

I used to hope that I would learn to speak Italian well. Now I expect it of myself.

No more teaching English classes, no more excuses, no more "just hoping".

I am free.
Free to learn.
Free to fail.
It is my expectation that I will learn.